Can you believe that? A musical version of "Sweet Bird of Youth."
- Who are they kidding? - Thank God, you wanted to leave.
Can you believe Madeline Ashton? Talk about waking the dead.
l gotta get a drink.
% What do l see %
% Thatīs the question līm most afraid of %
% One that asks me what līm really made of %
% What do l see %
% Much more than a reflection %
% A romance with sheer perfection %
% l see me l see me %
% Actress, woman star and lover %
% Sister, sweetheart slave and mother %
% l see me %
% And l like what l see %
% Virgin, temptress dream of others %
% Yes, itīs me %
- % We see you % - % You mean me %
% ldol, goddess shameless hussy %
% Diva, princess lewd and lusty %
% Ah ah ah ah ah ah %
Sheīs sensational.
% Thatīs not me Canīt be me %
- % Angel devil % - % You can trust me %
% Mon ami %
% l see %
% Whoo-whoo %
% Everywhere l look, baby all l see is %
- % A contradiction % - % Oh, come on %
- % A bad addiction % - % Knock it off %
- % lnspiration to a generation % - % Now youīre talkinī %
% Thatīs you %
% Thatīs me %%
Wow!
Oh, boy!
Whoo!
Wrinkled, wrinkled little star,
hope they never see the scars.
Your guests are here, Miss Ashton.
A Miss Helen Sharp with a gentleman.
- Ahh. Howīs she look? - Who?
Helen, you idiot.
l donīt know. Smart, l guess, sort of classy.
Classy? Really? Compared to whom?
Oh, shit.
Mad!
Hel!
- l donīt believe it. - How are you?
- ltīs been so long. - l know.
Donīt you dare say how long.
Mad, līd like you to meet...
Dr. Ernest Menville, my fiance.
You were just wonderful.
Ernest Menville? Dr. Ernest Menville, the plastic surgeon?
- Yes. You were so terrific! - Ernest is quite a fan.
- līve read all about you. - That dance number. Boy, oh, boy.
- l canīt believe līm meeting you. - He never mentioned a Madeline thing.
- Weīre both huge fans. - līm sure he doesnīt have a... thing.
Do you?
Well, līm so happy for you... both.
What ever happened to that, um, writing thing?
- Oh, well, um, līm still trying. - Helen, donīt be modest.
- Sheīs a brilliant writer, Mrs. Ashton. - Miss.
Tell me, Doctor,
do you think that līm starting to need you?
Ahem.
So...
have you two set a date?
- Yes... we have. - No, actually--
We see the upper eyelid skin incision...
from the medial canthus to the lateral orbital margin.
There are two fat compartments in the upper eyelid, three in the lower.
Oops. Look at all this bleeding.
Needle-tip cautery. Quickly, please.
For heavenīs sake, Helen, it was a dinner.
The woman wanted my professional opinion.
Ernest, you donīt know Madeline the way l do.
She wants you. She wants you because youīre mine.
līve lost men to her before.
She just turns on that flash and that glitter and theyīre gone.
Thatīs why l wanted you to meet her before we got married.
l just had to see if you could pass the Madeline Ashton test.
Please... Please, donīt fail.
l couldnīt take it again.
l donīt know what līd do.
Do you know how silly youīre sounding?
Oh, darling,
l have absolutely no interest in Madeline Ashton.
Mrs. Helen Sharp? ltīs your landlord. Open the door, please.
l know youīre in there!
l have your final eviction notice.
lf you donīt come out,
- līm going to break the door. - What are you doing here?
l have the police. lf you donīt open, weīre going to break the door.
- Well, speak! - līm going to charge you for it too.
- Lady, letīs go. - You heard what he said.
Youīre in trouble.
Come on. Open it!
Lady, listen. You have the right to remain silent.
lf you give up the right to remain silent--
Are you nuts?
Come on. Get her outta here!
So...
What about you, Helen?
We havenīt heard from you in a while.
ls there anything...
youīd like to... talk about... with the group?
Yes.
l would like to talk about...
Madeline...
Ashton.
Stop! Stop it! Stop!
No! No!
ls this where we are, Helen?
Six months of therapy. Youīre not one pound lighter.
And we are still talking about Madeline Ashton!
- You think l enjoy talking about her? - Do you think l enjoy it?
ls that what you think? You better think again!
Oh, Helen, for you to have a life,
for any of us to have a life,
you have got to forget about her.
You have to erase her from your mind.
- You have to completely eliminate any-- - What?
You have to completely eliminate--
Youīre right.
What?
Youīre absolutely right.
Yes?
l have a delivery for Madeline Ashton and Dr. Ernest Menville.
Good morning, madam.
You look absolutely marvelous.
Hey, wait a minute.
Arenīt you forgetting something?
- ltīs only Thursday. līm supposed to-- - Never mind.
l think l need you to say it every morning.
Very well.
Oh, madam, you look younger every day.
Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much.
ltīs so sweet-- What is this?
Your tickets for Helen Sharpīs book party.
They just came.
Helen Sharpīs book party!
- "Forever Young"? - l like that title.
Oh, forever young! Right.
And eternally fat!
Oh, clever little witch. She sent seating assignments.
l find it very hard to believe...
that he got up early and made his side of the bed.
- No, madam. - So where did he sleep?
Again?
The beaver has always been of interest to man.
lt is the second largest rodent in the world.
Dr. Menville?
ls this an angel l see before me?
- Dr. Menville, youīre so cute. - Thank you, Rose.
Oh!
More vodka.
An outstanding characteristic of a beaver...
is the large, flat tail.
- ls it up yet? - Yes, sir.
ltīs in the bath.
Your beeper was beeping. ltīs Mr. Franklin again.
Rose! Oh, itīs you.
Fine, dear, thank you. Like a rock.
Youīre dressed. Special occasion?
- Work. - Ghoul!
Dr. Menville, thank God.
- līm sorry to call at the last minute. - Yes.
Heīs completely prepped. Our top staff have been summoned and are waiting.
Good, līm sure heīll be fine. Just calm down.
Calm? l am calm. Everyone is calm here.
- Who is it? - Fernando Rivas, the actor.
He drowned in his hot tub. Very bloated, very swollen.
He was making love to his new fiancee.
Eighteen years old, from Cuba.
Heīs got this expression of happiness that is completely inappropriate.
Thank you, Mr. Franklin, weīll see if we canīt give him a little character,
- a little depth. - Depth?
Oh, no, Dr. Menville, you canīt give him any character or depth.
People have to recognize him.
- Good afternoon, Miss Ashton. - 3:00 with Anna.
Yes, l know. You may go down.
Miss Ashton, how are you? So good to see you!
Listen, līve got a really important party tonight.
Really important. You understand?
You will be the best one!
l have to be better than that.
l am sorry, but the plasma separation...
is a very traumatic process to the body!
Our policy clearly prohibits...
more than one in a six-month period.
So? ltīs been nearly that long already.
Miss Ashton, you had one three weeks ago.
- How about a nice collagen buff? - "A collagen buff"?
You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water!
Tonight is very important to me.
- l could do your makeup myself. - Makeup is pointless!
lt does nothing anymore.
Are you listening to me? Do you even care?
You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks...
and laugh at me.
Mmm.
l could pay you extra.
Something... on a personal basis.
You know what l mean? How about that?
Money is no object. lt means nothing to me.
Ahem.
līm sorry, Mr. Chagall. līm really, really sorry.
Anna, donīt talk, just go away.
Leave us alone, mmm?
- l donīt want to look at you anymore. - Oh, okay.
Thank you so much.
Please.
- l suppose l should apologize. - Oh, no, no.
l am very sensitive to your torment.
- Excuse me? - But unfortunately we are mere mortals.
We are restricted by the... laws of nature.
Well, what more could one expect?
Mmm, mmm, that depends.
l could not help but overhear your little joke about money being no object.
- That was no joke! - l see.
l wonder, Miss Ashton,
if perhaps you have ever heard of...
Lisle Von Rhuman?
Ah... no.
No, of course you havenīt. Very few have.
Only a select group.
She may be able to help you.
Here is her address.
She accepts callers day... and night.
Eh...
lt is a very, very select group, you understand?
Sure.
līm glad this happened, Miss Ashton.
We shall be seeing more of you, l think.
Yes, l think so.
Weirdo.
Could you just not breathe?
Jesus, whatīd she do? Hire extras?
Good evening.
Evian, please. No ice.
- Dr. Menville? - Yes.
- Ernest Menville? - Yes.
- Hi, līm Vivian Adams. - Hi, h-h-have we met?
Long ago. l never had a chance to thank you...
for the spectacular job you did with my Aunt Esther.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Her color, her tone.
- You even brought out her cheekbones. - Well, thatīs my job.
lt was almost a shame to bury her.
ltīs so sweet of you to say that.
Can l ask you what your secret is?
Spray paint.
You see, you canīt just use regular makeup on dead skin.
The pores are too dry.
Youīve gotta use a palette and grind the stuff in.
One day līm in the hardware store and l think, "What about mannequin paint?"
ltīs got its own chemical adhesive, comes in a variety of flesh--
Excuse me!
Have you seen her yet?
What a joke. Sheīs not even here.
- Oh, look over there. - Wh--
Oh, looks as though sheīs lost a few pounds!
- Weīre leaving. - Nonsense. Letīs go talk to her.
No. līll talk to her.
l just want you to know that l am at your disposal.
You can call me day or night.
l did give you all my numbers?
Mad?
Hel!
l donīt believe it!
Helen, darling, 12 years! 12 long years!
And look at you, you have a... waist.
Oh, you havenīt changed.
Gosh, līm glad you came. l didnīt know if you would.
l spoke to my P.R. woman and she said,
"Madeline Ashton goes to the opening of an envelope."
Those people can be so cruel.
l fired her. Well, l almost fired her.
Well, that was sweet of you, dear.
- Would you mind? - Not at all.
- So, howīs it been? - Heaven, itīs absolute heaven.
- Ernest is a dream. - līm so happy for you both.
l often thought to myself "l donīt deserve this"...
because it came at your expense.
And that thought made me feel... terrible.
Listen, that was a long time ago.
You didnīt steal him. He went to you.
lt wasnīt you. lt was him.
l want you to know something.
l have never ever blamed you. Never!
- Do you believe how she looks? - How old is she?
- Fifty. - Fifty?
Youīve gotta be kidding.
l wonder what her secret is.
- Life has turned out as quite a party. - You used to hate parties.
That was when l was old. You should see me now.
l didnīt know you were so unhappy.
Never could lie to you.
l know about the kind of... work youīre doing now.
ltīs not work.
l would sell my soul to be able to operate again.
- Oh, Helen, līve wasted my life. - No, Ernest.
Sheīs wasted you.
She married a brilliant surgeon...
and turned him into an undertaker.
l want you to know something.
l have never blamed you for leaving me.
l always knew it was her.
Sheīs a woman.
A woman, Ernest.
From Newark, for Godīs sakes.
l will never forgive her for what sheīs done to you.
Never.
Dakota!
Oh!
- Whatīs wrong? - Nothing.
l didnīt know you were coming over.
- Oh, my God, youīre not alone. - Of course l am.
- līm completely alone. - Dakota?
Actually, completely isnīt quite what l meant.
- How dare you make me feel cheap! - Madeline, l forgot.
- Sheīs here to-- Sheīs here to fix-- - Who is she?
- līm trying to tell you-- - Who is the little piece of meat?
Sheīs a friend of, of, the guy who was here to--
- Jesus, at least lie quickly! - l am trying to.
Look, you gotta believe me. This is perfectly innocent.
Hey, hey, hey.
līm sick of this shit, you know that?
- l am doing you a favor here. - Doing me a favor?
- l gave you-- - Yeah, you gave, l gave. Big deal!
Somebody told me we look ridiculous together.
How do you think that makes me feel?
You never think about my feelings.
Go find someone your own age, Madeline!
Madeline! l need to speak to Madeline at once!
No.
Madeline. l need to speak to Madeline at once!
Yeah.
Geez.
- Good evening. l hope itīs not too-- - Not at all, Miss Ashton.
Miss Von Rhumanīs expecting you.
She is?
Wait here, please.
Follow me, please.
Excuse me.
l hoped youīd come.
Make some room for my friend, for Christīs sake!
But...
keep your ass handy.
May l say that līve always thought yours...
to be one of the most beautiful faces...
ever to grace the silver screen.
Oh.
And that husband of yours,
l can only say that his reputation is unsurpassed.
Oh.
l just arrived in town. l follow the spring.
l havenīt seen an autumn or winter in years.
We are creatures of the spring, you and l.
Uh-huh. līm not really quite sure why l came.
Youīre scared as hell... of yourself,
of the body you thought you once knew.
l beg your pardon?
l am the one who understands.
l am the one who knows your secret.
Who is it?
Madeline. l need to speak to Madeline.
Sheīs not here.
Ah, thank God!
How did you get in? l didnīt hear the gate.
l didnīt want you to hear.
Ernest, ask me to go.
Ask me to leave this house immediately!
- You just got here. - l know, l know.
But it just took me a glimpse and l was back where l started.
Whereīs that?
- Donīt pretend youīre not aware of it. - Of what?
Youīre a powerful sexual being, Ernest.
l am?
Yes, you are.
lf l never told you before, itīs because...
l wasnīt the sort of girl that could say the word...
"sexual" without blushing.
Well, l can now.
Sexual.
Sensual.
Sexy.
Sex.
Sex!
So warm, so full of life.
And already it ebbs away from you.
This is lifeīs ultimate cruelty.
lt offers us the taste of youth and vitality...
and then makes us witness our own decay.
Well, it is the natural law.
Screw the natural law!
What is that?
What you came for.
A touch of magic...
in this world obsessed with science.
A tonic.
A potion.
What does it do?
How old would you guess l am?
l wouldnīt--
Come on. Donīt try to flatter me.
Thirty eight.
Oh, twenty eight. Twenty... three?
l am seventy-one years old.
Thatīs what it does.
lt stops the aging process dead in its tracks...
and forces it into retreat.
Drink that potion and youīll never grow even one day older.
Donīt drink it... and continue to watch yourself rot.
How much is it?
The sordid topic of coin...
līm afraid is not so simple.
The cost, you see, itīs different for everyone.
Well, for me, how much?
Well, thank you very much. l think l should be going.
Sit!
Hold out your hand.
What are you, nuts?
Watch.
Check okay?
Fine.
But you must make me a promise.
The secret that we share must never become public.
You may continue your career for ten years,
ten years of perfect, unchanged beauty.
But at the end of that time, before people become suspicious,
you have to disappear from public view forever.
You can retire.
You can stage your own phony death...
or...
as one of my clients simply said,
"l vant to be alone, yah."
No! Sheīs not!
Wow!
Bottoms up.
- Now, a warning. - Now, a warning?
Take care of yourself.
You and your body are going to be together a long time.
Be good to it.
Siempre viva. Live forever.
l canīt believe-- Did you--
Oh... līm a girl!
Shh.
Ernest, oh, we gotta stop.
l know we-- l know we--
Really, Ernest. Oh.
Ernest, donīt be angry with me.
līm fighting this as hard as l can, but just--
Look at you!
Sheīs already destroyed your career.
Now sheīs breaking your heart,
stealing your pride,
flaunting her lovers...
- all over town. - You know about that?
Everyone does.
At the party, people spoke of nothing else.
How can you love me, Helen?
līve been so weak for so long.
l shouldīve divorced Madeline a long time ago.
By God, that is exactly what l am going to do!
The first thing tomorrow morning,
l am gonna go downtown and obtain a divorce from Madeline Ashton.
- Ernest? - Monday. At the very least Tuesday.
Divorce? ln California?
Thatīs exactly what she wants you to do.
You have no talent for poverty.
You canīt let her get away with that.
Then thereīs nothing l can do.
Oh, yes, there is.
Listen to me, Ernest.
līve thought this through carefully, and itīs the only way.
Tonight, while sheīs asleep, youīll sneak downstairs quietly,
and take one of each kind of wine glass from the shelf.
Then youīll take this Narconal...
and lightly coat each glass.
As you know, Narconal is a very powerful alcohol-base tranquilizer,
so you wonīt need much.
Tomorrow, līll call Madeline to say good-bye.
- līll get her to invite me to dinner. - Why donīt you come to dinner?
Then, at dinner, we propose a toast.
No matter which glass she drinks from,
Narconal will be on the glass.
You and l work together. First, we finish dinner.
Then we load her in the car, take her to the top of Mulholland Drive,
call the police and report weīve seen a drunk woman swerving close to the edge.
Some drunk woman up here on Mulhollandīs swerving dangerously close to the edge.
Weīll sit her up in the driverīs seat...
and make it look like sheīs had...
just a little bit too much to drink.
We drop the car into gear,
wedge her foot down on the accelerator,
clamp her hands on the steering wheel...
and send her on her way.
By the time they perform the autopsy,
the Narconal will be completely dissolved,
leaving only traces of alcohol.
Sheīll be classified as just another drunk driver.
- Theyīll check her blood alcohol... - Point four-0. She had it coming.
...and think nothing more of it.
The case is closed. Madeline is dead.
And weīre free!
What are we saying?
- We canīt go through with this, Helen. - ltīs the only way.
After sheīs gone,
you can start your life all over again.
l can start my life all over again.
Oh, weīll be so happy!
Sheīs killing you.
So... it would be self-defense.
Self-defense.
My God, itīs back!
We have to talk.
- Have another drink and go to bed. - Youīd like that.
Youīd like to see me drink myself into an early grave.
That is not going to happen, by God!
- You are not going to take my money! - What are you talking about?
When was the last time you worked, Madeline? A real job?
Anything you had left, you owed me a long time ago. Your face owed me.
Youīve changed your hair?
What an eye.
Donīt wait up.
Cheap.
What did you say?
l called you cheap. Thatīs what l think of you.
Who do you think youīre talking to?
Youīre a cheap, tacky little tramp.
Who do you think you are?
- Nothing like the woman l married. - Youīre nothing!
- Youīre a broad! - Youīre a tragic, boozy, flaccid clown.
- Watch it, Madeline. - Thatīs it. Flaccid.
- Watch what you say. - Flaccid.
l donīt have to take this any longer!
Youīll take everything l have to give! You always have.
Youīre not even a man anymore. And l need a man!
A real man, not some drunken, broken-down flaccid undertaker...
who is just as dead below the waist as his clients are.
Hey, l might have more fun with one of your clients!
At least līd know līd be getting something stiff--
Did you think that l was just going to take it forever, Madeline?
Did you?
You cruel, vicious, loathsome bitch!
Please? Please?
Oh, God! Oh!
- Madeline, līm so sorry. - Oh, help me! Help me!
Hurry!
Help me! Hurry up, you wimp!
Oh, boy.
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Oh, boy!
Suite 1110, please.
Helen, itīs me, Ernest Menville! l did it!
l didnīt think līd be able to, but l did it!
l pushed her down the stairs. She is absolutely stone cold.
She was saying the most monstrous things and sheīs dead.
l just had this feeling inside of me that l couldnīt contain.
Weīre free, Helen. But līm afraid līm gonna burn in hell.
Her neck is broken and thereīs no pulse and sheīs dead.
Exactly which part of the plan were you unclear on?
- We went over it three times, Ernest. - You donīt understand.
- Ernest, we went over it three times. - You donīt understand.
lt just happened. lt was an accident.
ltīs better than an accident. At least itīs gonna look like an accident.
- Have you called the police? - No, l called you first.
Ernest, you... poor, sweet thing.
lf the police check the phone records, donīt you think itīll look unusual...
- that you called me before them? - Oh, my God.
- Youīre right. - Of course līm right!
- Should l call them right now? - No.
We have to decide what youīre going to say first.
- Well? - līm thinking.
Okay, līve got it. Whereīs the body?
- At the foot of the stairs. - Good. Donīt move her.
- Soon as we hang up, call the police. - Okay.
Tell them you were on the phone with me when you heard a terrible scream.
You turned around and saw Madeline fall down the stairs.
- Right. Perfect. - Stick to that story.
lf they check the phone records, itīll confirm what you told them.
- Got it. - What about the time of death?
- Could they prove the call came after? - No, no.
ltīs very difficult to determine time of death within a few hours.
- ltīs not an exact science. - Ernest? Ernest!
Ernest, you pushed me down the stairs!
Stay away from me!
You bet l will! Animal! Psycho!
- Donīt come near me. - Wife pusher!
Donīt come near me, follow me or talk to me.
l donīt intend to.
l just have to make a telephone call.
9-1-1, right?
Youīre in the shit house now, pal!
Madeline, look at yourself!
- Huh? - Look at yourself!
Ernest!
My ass!
l can see... my ass!
- Somethingīs wrong with your neck too. - l would say so.
l would frigginī well say so!
Oh! Are you okay, honey?
Yeah. Oh.
Ernest...
whatīs wrong with me?
ltīs a dislocated neck. Thatīs what it is.
lt could happen. līve never seen it happen, but it could happen.
Yeah, so? Fix it.
- How? - l donīt know. Just do it!
l wouldnīt know where to begin, Madeline.
For Godīs sake!
Ah!
Oh!
Honey, l think l need a doctor.
- Whatīs the matter with this guy? - Sheīs at deathīs door!
Doctor, sheīs at deathīs door.
Why donīt you let me be the judge of that?
What seems to be the problem?
l fell down the stairs.
Whoopsie. Anything broken?
l donīt think so. l mean, it would hurt, wouldnīt it?
l should think so, yeah.
Maybe my wrist, but my neck feels sort of sore.
Letīs have a little look at you. Which wrist is it?
Right.
- Does it hurt when l do this? - No.
- How about this? - Nope.
- Ah, okay, this? - Hmm, no, uh-uh.
- This doesnīt hurt? - Uh-uh. No.
Are you telling me it doesnīt hurt when l do this?
lt doesnīt hurt. l told you that.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay, whatīs this youīre talking about with your neck?
lt hurts when l kinda turn it, you know?
Maybe you just--
Okay, right. l see. Gotcha.
- What about shock? Should we check? - lt could be shock.
lt could be shock.
What is--
What? What is it? Whatīs the matter?
ltīs, uh, itīs interesting.
ltīs okeydokey.
l think that just about covers it.
- Might l have a little sip of that? - Of course.
Well, līll tell you what. We, this, uh, odd thing.
Your wrist, as far as l can tell,
itīs fractured in three places.
And youīve shattered, uh, two, uh, vertebrae.
l canīt really be certain without an X ray.
But the bone protrusion through the skin, thatīs not a good sign.
And, uh... your body temperature is below 80...
and, your, your, your...
your heartīs stopped beating.
What the hell does that mean?
Exactly! Exactly what--
l think... līm gonna get a second opinion.
Doctor?
Well, could be worse.
- līm gonna examine you myself. - No.
- Sit still. - Donīt touch me.
- My God, heīs right. - He is not right. Donīt be ridiculous.
- This is incredible. - What would it mean if he were right?
Youīre in violation of every natural law that l know.
l, l, l, l violated what law?
ln violation of every natural law that l know!
Youīre sitting there, youīre talking to me, but youīre dead!
līm gonna get help!
l need a doctor! Room 147!
Hey! Hey!
Respiratory therapist to E.R. Therapist to the E.R.
Where are all the doctors?
No, no, no! Not that lab!
Everyone clear.
- What do we have now? - No pulse!
Where is she?
līm terribly sorry, sir. l know how difficult this must be.
You donīt understand. She didnīt--
This is very hard to explain.
l know it is. How can anyone explain it?
- Where did you put my wife? - Donīt worry about that now.
Just give yourself some time to grieve.
- Where did you put my wife? - Sheīs dead. Sheīs in the morgue.
The morgue! Sheīll be furious.
- Help! - Yes, itīs me, darling.
Oh, Ernest!
l fainted and l woke up and it was all dark.
l kept yelling and yelling and yelling.
Nobody heard me. Nobody did anything.
Then l didnīt know where l was and l got scared.
ltīs okay. ltīs all right.
Ernest, līm in the morgue.
- Why am l in the morgue? - Shh! ltīs okay. ltīs okay!
Listen! l understand now. ltīs incredible!
ltīs physically impossible, but now l understand it.
- They think līm dead, Ernest. - Yes! But youīre not!
ln the whole of recorded medical history,
this has never happened to another single human.
Yeah, so, why did it have to happen to me?
- Do you know what you are, darling? - Uh-uh.
Youīre a sign. Youīre an omen, a burning bush!
- l am? - Of course you are.
Weīre being told that we belong together.
And līm being called. līm being challenged.
Donīt you see, Madeline? ltīs a miracle!
Oh, my God!
Shit!
Oh!
Formaldehyde.
What in Godīs name?
Darn it.
ltīs just not the right balance.
- Howīs it goinī, Ern? - l donīt wanna rush things, Madeline.
Who keeps calling?
- Huh? - Who is that?
l canīt have these interruptions!
līm gonna need you to hold very still.
Oh!
- What? - Madeline!
- l asked you to sit still. - Mmm, whatīs the matter?
- l need more turpentine now. - Are we almost done?
The highlights of your eyes are unbalanced. Want people to stare?
l canīt use kerosene because itīll affect the skin.
Where is she?
Oh, my gosh, Helen! What are you doinī here?
Whatīs that on your hands? Blood?
- Paint! - Paint?
What would you be doing that you have paint on your hands?
- Painting. - Ernest.
Are you doing something funny with Madeline?
- Define funny. - Oh, come on, Ernest. Cough her up!
Shh, shh, shh, listen, Helen.
- We should go outside and talk. - Why are you whispering?
- Sheīs resting and in a foul mood. - Are you nuts?
- Sheīs resting! - Sheīs not resting.
Sheīs dead, Ernest, just like we wanted, just like we plotted together.
Remember? You may have done it alone, but l canīt walk away now.
- Not after you put us both in jeopardy! - Shh!
We have to bury her in Death Valley and be done with her once and for all.
- You have to listen to me. - Stop waffling. She deserved it.
She was a home wrecker. She was a man-eater.
And she was a bad... actress.
- Would you please listen to me! - Oh, stop it!
Madeline is not ready to be buried yet.
- Sheīs upstairs resting peacefully. - Oh, fine!
lf sheīs not dead, you tell her to come here.
Tell her to come here, walk right up to me...
- and kiss me on the-- - Kiss you on the what?
- Mad? - Hel.
- Darling. - What have you two...
been plotting down here or should l say, what else?
Are you angry, dear? Are you very angry?
- ltīs alive. - Madeline?
Oh, boy! Helen, l think you should leave right away.
l see a very bad situation developing here.
Dear? Madeline?
l just want you to know one thing, Hel.
You brought this on yourself.
Madeline!
Oh, my God!
- What have you done? - What have l done? Defended myself.
You plotter, coconspirator!
- Sheīs dead! - She is?
These are the moments that make life worth living.
My God, Madeline, that was horrible. lt was brutal.
lt was stupid! The police, Madeline! The police!
What are they gonna do? Put me in the gas chamber? Big deal.
Life in prison? Know what that means to a person in your condition?
- So negative. Let me enjoy the moment. - What about the neighbors?
Neighbors? ln 12 years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor?
Oh! l gotta think! l gotta think!
One of us has to stay rational.
l am completely rational. Weīre going to bury her.
ln Death Valley. You and l.
l most certainly will not!
Oh, no? Pretty strong words for a murderer on the run,
which is exactly what you are, Ernest.
What if the police should receive an anonymous phone call about you...
and find me on the floor not breathing, no pulse?
Ainīt nobody can play dead like me, Ernest.
What will you tell them? Youīre going to be very popular in prison.
- Prison? - Prison.
Do you know what they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans...
in prison, Ernest?
līll get the shovels, dear.
And she even paid for the hardware.
Donīt you just love it?
Oh!
- Are you just gonna sit there? - What?
- l wonīt be your accomplice by myself. - līll help.
- līm happy to help. - Help me stretch this out. Get the end.
- līm very happy to help. - Put the body right here.
Today really shaped up in a hurry, didnīt it?
Did you ever notice how some days can start out so shitty--
...and then suddenly something wonderful happens and your whole outlook...
just suddenly... changes.
That... was totally uncalled-for.
Look at me, Ernest, just look at me. līm soaking wet.
And there seems to be something wrong with your, uh, blouse.
l have a hole in my stomach!
Oh!
l have a hole in my stomach!
Yeah, and youīre still alive.
- ltīs another miracle! - No, it isnīt.
Ha! Ah-ha! You took the potion!
- How do you know about that? - Oh!
- You took the potion too. - Well, l hardly needed it.
So thatīs why you look the way you do and you are dead.
- When did you take it? - October 26, 1985. Way before you!
- What are you talking about? - The potion!
- How much did you pay? - Everything l had.
- And that was cheap! - You took a potion?
- Beauty book, my butt! - Wait a second.
l donīt think this is a miracle at all!
Youīre a fraud, a walking lie and l can see right through you!
Speaking of which, as a friend, some advice.
l would stay out of a bathing suit for a while.
At least, a two piece.
Or if l--
Damn. l just fixed this.
En garde.
- Bitch. - Girls, girls!
Letīs just calm down. līm sure we can settle this peacefully-- Whoa!
You should learn not to compete with me. l always win.
Yah! Yah!
You may have always won, but you never played fair.
Oh!
Who cares how l played? l won!
līll just be upstairs.
Thatīs īcause you could raise your legs higher than anyone.
But look at you now! You couldnīt raise an eyebrow without surgery!
līve raised a lot more than an eyebrow in my day.
You skinny, phony, hollow bitch!
Youīve lost your one and only talent.
Which was one more talent than you had, you former fatso!
- Aaah! - Yes! No! Oh, damn!
This is pointless! Wait a minute, this is ridiculous!
We canīt even hurt each other! We canīt even inflict pain!
Pain!
līll tell ya about pain! Bobby OīBrien!
Scott Hunter! Ernest Menville! Thatīs pain!
l loved every one of them and they loved me.
l will not speak to you till you put your head on straight.
They were all l had and you took them away from me.
Not because you loved them, not because you cared...
but just to hurt me on purpose.
- That is not true! - Liar!
- You attacked me first! - Me?
Do you think l was blind, deaf?
l couldnīt hear what you and your snotty friends were saying about me?
- You thought l was cheap. - Oh, please. Youīre insane.
Then how come you never invited me to one of those parties at your parents?
Because we didnīt think youīd feel comfortable.
- lt wasnīt usual for-- Stop that! - līm trying.
- lt wasnīt usual for us to have-- - Trash in the house!
Youīre avoiding the issue. You stole my boyfriends to hurt me on purpose!
- l did not! - Admit it!
No, you admit it. You look me in the eye...
and you admit you thought l was cheap.
Okay, l thought you were cheap.
Well,
l hurt you on purpose.
and līm... really sorry.
līm sorry too.
Ern, darling.
Helen and l want to apologize for that little thing downstairs.
- Weīve got it out of our systems now. - Yeah, thank God.
lt was so awful hating you and envying you at the same time.
You envied me? l envied you!
- You did not! - l did too.
- Specifically, what part did you envy? - Your grade point for one.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
l just wanted to tell you both that līve come to a decision thatīs...
very important and long overdue.
- līm leaving. - Youīre what? Leaving? No.
- We need you. - l promised Hel you would fix her.
And Maddie needs work too.
- You can go first. - Oh, thatīs so sweet of you!
Thank you. Ern?
Come on. What do you say? For old times sake.
Please!
On one condition. When līm done, l go.
You donīt look for me. You donīt ask about me.
You donīt even think about me ever again.
l have no problem with that. Do you?
Not anymore.
- Oh! - Oh! ltīs amazing!
- Oh! - Not a blemish! Not a pore!
Oh! Say what you will about Ernest, but the man is a genius.
He is. Heīs a genius.
- Wait. Youīve got a little thing. - Ooh!
Probably shouldnīt have done that. Ha-ha!
- l think itīs still... wet. - Can Ernest fix this?
- Yeah, līll get him before he leaves. - But wait a minute.
What if this happens again?
What if it fades? Chips? What if it rains?
- Will he come back for touch-ups? - Even if he does,
heīs not gonna live forever.
- Thatīs not good. - What are we gonna do?
- Heīll have to take the potion. - Yeah!
Weīll take him to Lisleīs. Sheīll talk him into it.
He wonīt go to Lisleīs. You heard him. Heīs made up his mind about leaving.
Thatīs true. We have to respect that.
l know. Weīll drug him.
Ern, darling.
My taxi here?
We thought you might like some breakfast.
You know, l was just thinking.
l was questioning myself. l was wondering why...
l didnīt pack this thing five years ago,
six years ago, ten years ago, instead of sticking around here...
and suffering every indignity and humiliation.
līll tell ya why. Because l made a promise...
and that meant everything to me.
Yes, itīs all very noble to keep your word.
Ernest? Your drink?
Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what?
- At the cost of all else? Do you know? - No.
An idiot. From now on līm gonna be the kind of idiot l wanna be.
An idiot with a modicum of pride, because you know what?
l finally realized something. līve lived up to my promise.
Till death do us part.
Well, you girls are dead.
And līm parting.
Cheers.
You know something else?
l drink too much.
What?
līm glad to see youīre awake, Dr. Menville.
l hope you donīt mind...
that Harry and Dick had to dress you.
You were improperly attired for the occasion.
What occasion?
līm throwing a party upstairs.
l throw one every spring for my clients.
All right.
Okay.
- What do you want with me? - To you...
l would like to give a present.
The gift of life...
and youth forever.
l saw your wife and friend.
You did brilliant work.
Show me your hand.
Come on. l wonīt bite.
What are you doing?
līm loving you.
My God!
Oh, thank you.
But donīt be modest. Thatīs what you do.
This is what youīve always done.
Stopped time in peopleīs faces and in their hands.
You are like Don Quixote,
tilting at natureīs windmill.
Drink it.
Go on.
lt is the completion of your lifeīs work.
You gave other people youth...
and wasted your own.
Drink!
Youīll be able to work again... forever.
Drink.
Drink! Dr. Menville!
You owe yourself another chance. Drink!
Make the right choice! The only choice!
Drink! Siempre viva!
Live forever!
Then what?
What?
- Then what happens? - What?
l donīt wanna live forever.
lt sounds good, but what am l gonna do? What if l get bored?
- What? - What if l get lonely?
Who am l gonna hang around with, Madeline and Helen?
What if something happens to me? What if l get maimed?
What if l get shot? What if somebody pushes me down--
What if l fall down a flight of stairs or something?
- But you never grow old. - But everybody else will.
līll have to watch everyone around me die.
l donīt think this is right.
This is not a dream. This is a nightmare.
You people all have to be stopped.
Dick, Tom, Harry.
Get the potion from him!
- Get him! Get him! - Relax. He wonīt go far.
Not at his age.
Welcome, everyone. Lisle will be down in a few minutes.
First, l must remind all of you who staged your own deaths...
of our very strict policy against...
popping up in public to grab a few headlines.
l wonīt name names. You know who you are.
l was just trying to have some fun. Thatīs all.
Look! Thereīs Ernest!
Oh, my God! He still looks like hell.
l donīt think she gave him the good stuff.
Look!
Heīs still got it!
Letīs go.
Oh, everybody gather round.
Lisle will be with us in a very few seconds.
Gentlemen, please, seal the room.
Heīs going up.
ldiot!
Aaah!
Oh, boy!
Ernest!
- Helen! - Grab it!
- l-- - Ernest!
Ernest! Grab it!
Grab it!
Ernest! Do you still have the potion? Do you still have it?
Find it! Find it!
ltīs the only way youīll survive if you fall.
Drink it! Drink it or youīll die!
- Oh! - After you fall,
you can put yourself back together again.
Drink it!
- Drink it. Drink it! - Drink it!
Drink it! Drink it!
You have to!
We need you!
līm sorry, dears.
Youīre on your own.
So...
are you gonna be done soon or what?
Oh, yes! līm gonna be done very soon.
That was pretty neat.
ltīd be better for both of you to get him back.
- Yes? - Nothing. ltīs too late. He got away.
- Damn! - l said we should go to the airport!
- You said no such thing. - l knew he wasnīt coming back here.
- You have all the answers, donīt you? - Ohh! Look!
- līm peeling already! - Oh!
- Me too! - Whoīs gonna fix this?
- Weīre in trouble. Ernest is gone. - Uh-huh.
We canīt go back to Lisleīs. She told us to take care of our bodies.
- And look at us! Weīre dead! - Yeah!
This is so embarrassing.
You know what this is? This is simply a question of, uh, maintenance!
Yeah, this is upkeep. We just have to be very careful with ourselves.
We have to take care of each other.
līll paint your ass; you paint mine.
- Who could have imagined? - Yeah.
- You and me... together. - Yeah, l know.
Depending on each other.
Painting each otherīs asses.
- Day and night. - Oh, yeah. Forever.
Forever.
Weīre gathered here today to honor the passing...
of a man of courage and of vision.
Now, Dr. Ernest Menville always felt life begins at 50.
And since we know so little of Ernest before that age,
perhaps in his case, itīs really true.
Because it wasnīt until 50 he met his lovely wife, Claire,
that he had two sons and four daughters...
and then like a biblical patriarch...
began to spread his message of hope...
to his adopted children all around the world.
A brilliant academic as well as a rugged outdoorsman,
Dr. Menville pursued with vigor a variety of pursuits...
not just to attain some personal ambition...
but to enhance the world for us...
and make it a better place than he found it.
Oh, and that he did.
The Menville Marriage Counseling Clinic,
the Menville Center for the Study of Women,
and of course, Ernestīs AA chapter will carry on long after his death.
...was for him a delightful adventure.
Who among us never knew Ernest the prankster? Hmm?
Ernest the storyteller?
Weīve all heard his tall tales about the living dead in Beverly Hills.
- Ah, but you see-- - Oh, what?
- Youīre not crying, are you? - līm not crying.
l have... something in my eye.
- Oh! - Yech!
Oh! Do you have that number 9 acrylic?
Look. l put it in your bag.
- Oh! - l must have dropped it somewhere.
- No. l put it in your bag! - Well.
Who could drop a big can of spray paint for Godīs sake?
l had it when we left the car, okay?
Letīs get the hell outta here.
l, for one, honestly believe this teacher, this benefactor,
this man, had in his own way...
learned the secret of eternal life.
And itīs here, among us, in the hearts of his friends.
And the secret of eternal youth right here...
in the lives of his children and his grandchildren.
lt is my opinion that our beloved Ernest...
is one man who will indeed...
live forever.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Whatīd you do with that spray paint can?
Come on. Get off that. Let me see what kind of a mess youīve made of yourself.
Oh, yeah, youīre all runny.
- l must look ridiculous. - No, l donīt think anyone will notice.
But l think youīre gonna need a little bondo on the chin, babe.
- l gotta get to the hardware store. - Oh, now, come on!
How could you have lost an entire can of spray paint?
Why do l have to carry everything? You get to carry a baby purse.
- Where did you see it last? - lf l knew, līd know where it was.
- An entire can of spray paint. - Get off it!
Has that ever worked? When you ask me where l last saw something?
Yes. When you lost your index finger.
- l didnīt lose it. lt broke off. - Thatīs because you crack--
Help me! My legs arenīt working! Help me!
Do you remember where you parked the car?